Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
