I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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