I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
