i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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