I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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