I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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