nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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