I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
