There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
