Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
