just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
