Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
