Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize