Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
