Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
