She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
