Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
