don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
