what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
