I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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