I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
