don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Pants are for mortals
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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