i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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