took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
