Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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