where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
