Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
