Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
