We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize