I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
