i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
