He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
