totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
