Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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