so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
