get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
