Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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