So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
