Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
