My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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