guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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