i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
