I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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