Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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