If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize