I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize