and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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