so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
