and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My pussy is not your playground.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
