Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
