I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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