She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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