i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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