i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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