I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
