Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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