how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
