when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
