Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
