You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
