you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize