So drunk its hurt
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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