there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
this just has baby written all over it
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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