Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
