I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
