I think I won the penis lottery.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
