Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
